The Furthest Distance In The World 。世界上最遥远的距离

“The Furthest Distance In The World”

The furthest distance in the world
Is not between life and death
But when I stand in front of you...
Yet you don’t know that I love you

The furthest distance in the world
Is not when I stand in front of you
Yet you can’t see my love
But when undoubtedly knowing the love from both
Yet cannot be together

The furthest distance in the world
Is not being apart while being in love
But when plainly cannot resist the yearning
Yet pretending you have never been in my heart

The furthest distance in the world
Is not but using one’s indifferent heart
To dig an uncrossible river
For the one who loves you

Rabindranath Tagore (7 May 1861 – 7 August 1941)

世界上最遥远的距离

世界上最遥远的距离
不是 生与死
而是 我就站在你面前 你却不知道我爱你
...

世界上最遥远的距离
不是 我就站在你面前 你却不知道我爱你
而是 明明知道彼此相爱 却不能在一起

世界上最遥远的距离
不是 明明知道彼此相爱 却不能在一起
而是 明明无法抵挡这股想念
却还得故意装作丝毫没有把你放在心里

世界上最遥远的距离
不是 明明无法抵挡这股想念
却还得故意装作丝毫没有把你放在心里
而是 用自已冷漠的心 对爱你的人
掘了一条无法跨越的沟渠

If anyone could have understood the feelings between me and Samuel, it will only be the two of us. No matter what other comments may be, they weren't the ones being in the position, mind and thoughts of ours. I truly believe there is a connection between us that no one else will understand. And I don't seek for others' understanding too.

The above poem was posted by me in English and Samuel posted it in Chinese. It truly depicts the feelings we had for each other. There was a time, many decades ago, someone has been through the exact same thing before.

Could it be our past life? You never know...

With love,
hazel soh

5 October 2014, 3.18pm

It has been 5 months since the "notice" of having some time to think about our relationship between Samuel and I. Many things have happened during this period of time. I'm sad, I drink, I got into a relationship, I started school, preparing with exams, ended my relationship, celebrated Monsters' 10th Anniversary, started own company with Lynn, and many more other things. It's amazing on how fast life progresses without us knowing. Only when you look back, you realised how you have moved on day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month.

Last Friday, I finally asked Samuel out for a drink after my second paper, because I can't live with questions unanswered, although the answers are pretty obvious. We had small chats and I told him many things to make him feel guilty. I told him how much I have missed him but hated him too. Luckily, another group of friends were around the vicinity that stopped me from getting too drunk or crazy.

There was love between us, but time is always the issue. I gave it up before and this is obvious that once the opportunity is missed, that's it. Love doesn't conquer all when there are many aspects in live that you need to keep to. The harsh reality now put straight to my face, it is definitely painful but at least I do not hold on to false hopes anymore. I do, in a part of me, still wish that we can be together. Even after all the hatred I might have in my heart. But.. That's it for now... Till next lifetime maybe..

^Moving on^

To a positive aspect of my life. I have started drinking infused water. Only the recipe which reduces water weight, bloating and helps to hydrates body at the same time. Signed up for a gym package at Anytime Fitness and starting meal replacement soon. Currently is at 63kg, let's see how much weight loss I can achieve in 3 months, by December.

To a new me, pick myself up and achieve things for myself.

**I very much wanted to give up on myself, on study, on work, everything. I just hope I can find the motivation and enthusiasm again.

With love,
hazel

10 August 2014, 10.50pm

It's Sunday!

One day after National Day, Happy Birthday Singapore! And next week shall be celebration of Samantha's birthday.

I have been rather negative and unhappy some time back (recently). Because of money, stress and some emotional problems. Sista and mum highlighted it and I never deny. Was really feeling down for days. When asked the reasons, I just briefly say because of stress and something else that requires my own wisdom to seek relief.

I talk to God and ask of his wisdom for relief, that's the most I can do and I'll leave the rest to him. Having faith in him that everything is written and sadness will be over. Always the case and I thank him for listening and providing me with the wisdom.

About the unhappiness, I have asked myself, so now that September is coming, I believe you will lead a good life from now onward, because the road you paved are settling. Nothing shall upset your plan. Although I missed you very much but I'm responsible for my own happiness. It's painful but I know it always take awhile. Thank you my dear friends who have always been there for me, and the time has come for the knot to be untied. Not that I do not listen but those who have been through knows that it takes time to forget someone. I hope this positivity will stay with me for good. Lastly, I ask of God, to give him enough protection and wisdom to appreciate life, family and hopefully he can let go of his negativity. May you have a happy simple family. :)

Shall learn a trick or two from Kristyn and here goes the images to sum up:

I'm responsible for my own happiness :))

National Day gathering at VY's house

9 August 2014

Cheers to all!

Jeanie and Madelyne's babies!

Best picture of the day

Two babies looking at each other LOL!

Oh by the way, I believe the tension between Ken and I were caused by my negative emotional state. With the relief I sought now, I felt less tension and stress when I'm with him. Or maybe, I'm getting used to his way of doing things, and become less "needy", as described by him.

 We had a little "talk" about him not appreciating me because he can don't contact me over the whole weekend last week. This week, it was almost the same, just that I had my plans on Saturday and Sunday, although without much communication too, I don't feel that unhappy. It doesn't felt like a relationship that you misses each other a lot. Is this normal? We shall just see how things progress. No one can forsee the future, let's just move along and see things unfold.

Note to Samuel Ong

To Samuel:

I thank you for teaching me remedies for my sensitive nose, my sinus. It helps great. Teaching me to swim, accompany me for many things in life, sharing a same frequency, a same level of thoughts with me. The bond was very special as we shared the same frequency. We can talk about everything on earth, anything intangible and even things out of earth, the afterlife, the soul searching, the learnings, the mission of our life. We can even share about our work, our life although it's like two totally different world. I thank you for the time we had.

But at the same time, I hate you. I hate you for not cherishing me, I hate you for not being faithful to me. It seems like it didn't mean anything to you. I hate you for telling me that you have to let me go. I hate you for the comments your mum had for me. I hate you for the times you were with her and yet telling me you missed me. I hate you for rekindling my heart but walked away. All the good times turned into an illusion of the past. I hate myself, for getting close to you again. I finally regret one decision, that is to give it a try again after one year.

Talk about the parallel universe, that we may be a pair living happily there. Yet, you do not have the courage to fight for it in this universe, this lifetime. If you couldn't do it now, what makes you think it will turn out otherwise in another universe or another lifetime? 

It's a close chapter for us now. I'm moving on, starting a new chapter. Left with hatred with you and I wonder when will the hatred goes away. I wonder if you feel the same. 

hazel soh

10 June 2014, 1pm

Look at the time lapse here. Many things have been happening since the last post and I shall not elaborate much. Have started writing diaries instead but I shall just update here too for my friends. LOL

It has been a wonderful trip with Ken over the weekends.

Things could be really simple if I'm not that complicated. We were sweet and happy, and he had asked the question but I didn't answer to it. Because my heart still has a space for Samuel. I know this is not fair to Ken, but I'm so sorry that I still did it. 

Have not been hearing from Samuel and has been looking at his Facebook. He didn't post much other than the usual work and commercial stuffs. So our matter didn't affect him? Got linked up to his galfriend's Facebook and saw their pictures together. The moments really eats me up.. Tears started welling up. It's a pretty bad feeling. Maybe I can guess the outcome even though he doesn't disclose it. Remember once he said, if there's really a next lifetime, he will want to be with me. So perhaps, it's not our time yet. 

Well oh well, let's 收拾心情 and wait and see what God has in line for us in his story. In the meanwhile, some pictures to sum up the recent batam trip.

失恋了

13 March 2014, 10.48pm

Back to reality~

The simple fulfillment is a temporary escapade that we can seek. To achieve peace in mind when we totally lose it all in the complicating and exhausting real world. 

I have made it for a trip alone and survive it especially when I'm down with throat infection and fever. Eighteen panadol got me through these few days, no antibiotic. Let's continue to work on this. Anyway, antibiotic is harmful. Let's research for something more organic and natural to replace antibiotic. Otherwise, my immune system will one day not be working.

#FourteenOThree reaching in one hour and twelve minutes time. TwentySix :/ alright, face the fact.

How should I deal with the matter between Sam and myself? Either he finds the courage to fight for me. Or I find the courage to leave him totally. 

For work, I'm banished to a do-er. From the emails I see him sending out. Let's put more focus and see how we can win the war. I like the comment my friend wrote: "You can lose a battle but you can't lose a war". Let's fight on!

Spy, stay clear-minded. 

hazel, with love~

12 March 2014, 10.10am (Krabi time)

Hi my dear blog, it's been awhile since I'm -typing- here. All due to laziness though.

Look back at the things that was bothering me in the past weeks or even years:-

1. Relationships

2. Work

1. Relationships 

It's been 3 years and yea, the time to go loose is over. Have stopped contacting flings and avoid meeting them. Got entangled with Sam again after so many years. And yet, I placed myself in the same position I had with ah fu. 

2. Work

I have placed myself in a war situation with boss just because of a tender. I truly knows that I'm unhappy working here. Too much micro management and the boss himself doesn't know what he's doing. So that means he can't teach us much = no room to grow. 

This trip to Krabi gives me lots of time to think. And also, it reminded me the simple-ness of life. Why did we get all complicated and sophisticated in the town. Sacrificing ourselves for the necessity. We have all the luxury but we are not satisfied and happy deep down. 

Too much time for the HD movie that Baan Dinlamun offers too. Romance movies... And it's similar to what I have told Sam before. I do not want to be involved in a triangular relationship again. If you want me, fight for me. Clear yourself of all the shit and comes to me. Simple said than done. I can't help but will want to turn to him for everything. But I know he's not fighting at all, he answered to my question of "If you have to make a decision between her and me, who would you choose?". His reply "to choose, definitely it's you, but I don't think I can put into action." Just for your info, romance movies that I watched was "Letters to Juliet" and "Friends with Benefits"

In terms of work, should I still continue working there? Fear, of the income portion, and inability to stay long in this place, makes me wanna stay on. But is that supposed to be the real reason? Shall I just continue to "ding-dong" at this place? It's giving me headaches. To this portion, no conclusion yet. No thoughts too. Unless fairy god mother is so kind for me to be headhunted, otherwise, how do I find the courage to move on?

hazel, with love~

3 March 2014, 12.04am

There are good times and there are bad times. We are now in March already! How fast could time past...

Sam and I have been pretty good, to an extent like we are in a relationship already. Maybe we are, but I'm ignoring it. Not wanting to admit that I'm stuck in an exact same situation again. He is good, but he is bad too. How good can a guy be if he is two timing? He couldn't make a decision, and yet, doesn't wants to let go. I believe everyone will goes through this phase, it's the rational and irrational sides of us trying to find a balance. Will there ever be such a balance? 

Given my character, I always confront the situation every now and then, so I definitely has surfaced this a few times to him. Quite a disappointment when he can't show that he has made a decision. No matter if I stays or goes, it's never right. It's a struggle for me at times. 

Birthday is coming and probably it's due to age, birthday doesn't seem all that special anymore. It shall just be another day to make merry :) 

Doesn't have a gift registry or wish list. Only hoping that everything turns out well for everyone I care, everyone I love, stay happy always :)) 

Good nighty world, it's probably my life or karma to be in such a situation in love LOL 

~~ L.I.V.E :: L.O.V.E :: L.A.U.G.H ~~

hazel, with love~

3 February 2014, 12.09am

Happy CNY to all!

All was well till recently.. Really recently. On the eve of CNY eve, met up with Sam and we chatted till late again. Over coffee at Jurong. And in the end, we talked about what has happened a year ago and the happenings throughout this one year. 

Then we met on CNY Day 2 night over drinks at Clarke Quay. Guess we have abit too much of a drink. Not that we went wayward but we chatted again through the night and kissed. Bad enough when you were just enjoying the process that everything just fell in place and everything feels right. It was not fooling around and not any sort of games. Something that I highlighted during the chat. It's weird how we are entangled since years ago and we are still entangled till now. 

Maybe my heart has awoken. It felt "sour" and a little painful on Day 4, cos I simply slept through the whole of Day 3. Unlike the past 2+ years. This kind of sadness is a little different from what I felt with Kenny. Maybe the feelings are kind of different too. I didn't text much to Sam today, I think I have took a step back amidst the enjoyment of the process cos I doesn't want to sink, into something that's still ambiguous. 

Other than these, CNY has been okay. Been driving around but I have valet services readily available right next to me - my father :D wasn't very smooth today though but well, there will be good and bad in life. 

I'm supposed to meet up with Dan on Thursday and Kenny on Friday. May god bless and look after my actions and decisions. 

hazel, with love~

23 January 2014, 12.39am

Hiyee!

It's me here ranting away again!

Today I met up with Alyssa, CMO of the Medical Concierge. Had a good dinner and chat with her. I always believe you will get to learn something from conservations with others. Not very sure of her impression of me and whether I'll be able to get the part time job and work under her but at least I get to hear from her, see how she had presented herself, her passion for her work. These are the things that you can learn from others, see, understand and digest in. Think and absorb.

Second thing I wanna write about will be the nasal wash experience that I tried after hearing from Samuel. Oh god, it really works! Though it seems like I'll need a few more washes before I get to really clear the "clogged" in the middle, I can sense the effectiveness on one side! Haha! Shall do it again tomorrow to the other side :D

I am thankful and grateful to the people I met recently, it's true of what Li Yan has said, I'm still looking for the direction in life and I've met a few people this period of time. Looking at them, hearing from them makes me think more. And I trust that it's the work of God, it's the process of life. I may be lost now but I'm guided and the story will be written as it should be.

P.s: I believe in only one universal God, the one who writes the story of lives. The different religious God are the messenger of the one who writes the story of lives. But then again, what had happened can never be undone, but what happens next is not written yet. So there are things that you can leave to Fate but there are things that you can create differently, all lies with the decision you make.

Enough of my long winded post today, good night and sweet dreams!

hazel, with love~

Oh, I have a picture here taken by my new phone! And I find it such a pity that I can't share openly, so I'm gonna share it here!

21 January 2014, 11.53pm

Met up with Samuel today, a name that we haven't heard for awhile hur? Hahas..

Just a short catch up over dinner and coffee. Keeping each other updated with the happenings in life. I love meet ups and catch ups once in awhile. Cos I hate the feeling of friends turning into strangers. Not like I have managed relationships with different humans well, there are still people who seems close but is like a total stranger deep inside. These are the people that will keep me thinking if they really care, and should I still step forward to care? 

人与人之间的关系真是微妙微翘、难以捉摸、难以制定到底到最后这个人是否值得你的青睐、心思与信任。

Gastric hasn't been too good recently. Again vomited after I drank some coffee after meal. Lousy me...

Let's stay positive and continue to love and care those close to heart. 

Passed by Chinatown just now, and thought if I'm still in contact with Mr K, we probably will be visiting the stalls together. Like what we did during Hari Raya last year at Geylang Serai. 

Oh.. Did I update the latest chat? I tried sending something to him but end up as returned mail due to the incorrect unit no. So I texted him asking. And the convo goes:

K: you could pass to me instead of sending

Me: I wonder when will we meet again

K: not that I don't want to meet you, but I do not know how to face u, because of the expectation

Me: you are right about the expectation, I too doesn't know how shall I face u. Thus, I choose the easier way out. Let's be easy on each other and also to ourselves. 

We have had quite abit of enjoyable moments and memories in the past year. And we didn't quarrel. Thus making this journey a pretty good and unforgettable one. Let's just keep it as a happy memory and don't spoil it.

All in all, a happy and wonderful day. I thank God for what life has presented to me. Let's learn to appreciate the smallest thing in life, and the simplicity of relationship happening all around. I hope I find peace in everything I do. 

^^ *muacks* and let's cheers to life! 

hazel, with love~