失恋了

15 March 2014, 2.49pm

I'm pulling myself away from Sam and he felt it too. Confirmed after our whatsapp exchanges yesterday. We will leave it as such now and see how things go. I have got no insights to the future but to leave it to God's plan.

Missed Max's call two times in the afternoon yesterday, and he managed to catch me again when I' preparing for bed. Yea, birthday wishes and chatted for awhile. It felt great to have a friend that catch up once in awhile and not like totally lost in outer space (just example). ^^ 

I appreciate the love and care being given to me by my family members and friends; everyone around me. I really thank God and his plans for this. Everyone got to learn to appreciate the little happiness and act of kindness to make their life happier. Should there be a day that I have to passed on suddenly, I will leave with no regrets, not because I have tried and done everything I want, but find contentment in living. In my sudden demise, I want to tell everyone that I love them, and I thank them for their love for me. Everything is heartfelt and appreciated.  

hazel, with love~

13 March 2014, 10.48pm

Back to reality~

The simple fulfillment is a temporary escapade that we can seek. To achieve peace in mind when we totally lose it all in the complicating and exhausting real world. 

I have made it for a trip alone and survive it especially when I'm down with throat infection and fever. Eighteen panadol got me through these few days, no antibiotic. Let's continue to work on this. Anyway, antibiotic is harmful. Let's research for something more organic and natural to replace antibiotic. Otherwise, my immune system will one day not be working.

#FourteenOThree reaching in one hour and twelve minutes time. TwentySix :/ alright, face the fact.

How should I deal with the matter between Sam and myself? Either he finds the courage to fight for me. Or I find the courage to leave him totally. 

For work, I'm banished to a do-er. From the emails I see him sending out. Let's put more focus and see how we can win the war. I like the comment my friend wrote: "You can lose a battle but you can't lose a war". Let's fight on!

Spy, stay clear-minded. 

hazel, with love~

12 March 2014, 10.10am (Krabi time)

Hi my dear blog, it's been awhile since I'm -typing- here. All due to laziness though.

Look back at the things that was bothering me in the past weeks or even years:-

1. Relationships

2. Work

1. Relationships 

It's been 3 years and yea, the time to go loose is over. Have stopped contacting flings and avoid meeting them. Got entangled with Sam again after so many years. And yet, I placed myself in the same position I had with ah fu. 

2. Work

I have placed myself in a war situation with boss just because of a tender. I truly knows that I'm unhappy working here. Too much micro management and the boss himself doesn't know what he's doing. So that means he can't teach us much = no room to grow. 

This trip to Krabi gives me lots of time to think. And also, it reminded me the simple-ness of life. Why did we get all complicated and sophisticated in the town. Sacrificing ourselves for the necessity. We have all the luxury but we are not satisfied and happy deep down. 

Too much time for the HD movie that Baan Dinlamun offers too. Romance movies... And it's similar to what I have told Sam before. I do not want to be involved in a triangular relationship again. If you want me, fight for me. Clear yourself of all the shit and comes to me. Simple said than done. I can't help but will want to turn to him for everything. But I know he's not fighting at all, he answered to my question of "If you have to make a decision between her and me, who would you choose?". His reply "to choose, definitely it's you, but I don't think I can put into action." Just for your info, romance movies that I watched was "Letters to Juliet" and "Friends with Benefits"

In terms of work, should I still continue working there? Fear, of the income portion, and inability to stay long in this place, makes me wanna stay on. But is that supposed to be the real reason? Shall I just continue to "ding-dong" at this place? It's giving me headaches. To this portion, no conclusion yet. No thoughts too. Unless fairy god mother is so kind for me to be headhunted, otherwise, how do I find the courage to move on?

hazel, with love~

3 March 2014, 12.04am

There are good times and there are bad times. We are now in March already! How fast could time past...

Sam and I have been pretty good, to an extent like we are in a relationship already. Maybe we are, but I'm ignoring it. Not wanting to admit that I'm stuck in an exact same situation again. He is good, but he is bad too. How good can a guy be if he is two timing? He couldn't make a decision, and yet, doesn't wants to let go. I believe everyone will goes through this phase, it's the rational and irrational sides of us trying to find a balance. Will there ever be such a balance? 

Given my character, I always confront the situation every now and then, so I definitely has surfaced this a few times to him. Quite a disappointment when he can't show that he has made a decision. No matter if I stays or goes, it's never right. It's a struggle for me at times. 

Birthday is coming and probably it's due to age, birthday doesn't seem all that special anymore. It shall just be another day to make merry :) 

Doesn't have a gift registry or wish list. Only hoping that everything turns out well for everyone I care, everyone I love, stay happy always :)) 

Good nighty world, it's probably my life or karma to be in such a situation in love LOL 

~~ L.I.V.E :: L.O.V.E :: L.A.U.G.H ~~

hazel, with love~